her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
