Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
