Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
