I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
