What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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