my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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