I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
