I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
