I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
