Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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