There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
