my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
