Don't EVER smell your tampon
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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