i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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