have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just pee around me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I forget how to act sober
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
