Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
