That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
