OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Bring me that man meat
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
