my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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