im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
