Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
