I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
