It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
