one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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