I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
