I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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