I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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