Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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