Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
