That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
