I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
