I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
