i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You have to summon your inner elephant
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
