I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
