I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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