Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
