UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Bring me that man meat
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
