i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I checked into jail on foursquare
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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