This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You pole danced in your parka.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
