I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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