I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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