i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
no you cant smoke seaweed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
