I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
