we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
