just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
