If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You made out with two different species that night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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