Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
