i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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