I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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