I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
