Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
